RUSH: We’re gonna go to the phones. We have a bunch of people who want to help me learn how to put my cat in a travel carrier. Like I don’t know. But we synthesized these down to one call. Many of them had the same helpful suggestions. This is Noreen in Downey, California. Glad you called, Noreen. How are you?

CALLER: I’m very good, Rush. Good morning to you.

RUSH: Thank you.

CALLER: I’m calling because I think I have a great solution for you and your pet. I know that you’re upset and your cat’s upset. But they make these nice, soft-sided carriers that unzip on the top so that when you’re taking up your kitty, you just hold it like you’re petting it and you have it calm. And you set it down inside the carrier and have somebody else help you zip it up really quick, instead of trying to force her through the little door in the front where she can bite you. Also, it helps if you sing to your cat when you’re picking her up so that she’s calm and —

RUSH: You mean instead of saying, “Little bitch, get in the damn carrier,” I’m supposed to sing to it?

CALLER: Yeeeeeah. She’ll love it, and she’ll calm down, and then you’ll be calm and so she’ll be calm.

RUSH: I don’t say that, by the way, to the cat, folks. I just want you to know. I’m being… I’m loaded for bear today. I could launch on anything. Noreen, I appreciate the call. Thank you so much. I have a cat carrier with both a top-opening and a front-or-back opening. (chuckles) No, I’ve not tried singing. I honestly haven’t. But the last time this was necessitated we tried to get the cat through the top. The cat is too smart for this. The cat does not want to go in there.

We leave it out for two weeks before the cat’s supposed to go to the dentist for gingivitis! I didn’t think animals got that kind of stuff. Animals can’t brush their teeth. I thought God took care of all that in the design. Lions can’t brush their teeth. Dogs can’t. Get gingivitis? We feed the cat hard cat food. Anyway, I got cat scratch fever the last time trying to get the cat in through the top. We’ve tried the towel routine. The cat just will not have it. Now, something. The last time the cat went…

In order to be diagnosed with gingivitis, I sent the cat to the cat doctor, the veterinarian to get the claws clipped and, you know, the property manager had no problem getting the cat in the cage then. He was able to do it, lure her in with these addicting cat treats. But of course those won’t work when the cat is going to be put under with anesthesia ’cause you can’t eat for 12 hours or eight hours before that. So there was nothing to lure the cat into the cage with.

And since the cat was ravenously hungry, having not eaten since 10 o’clock last night, there was no way the cat was gonna fall for this going-into-the-carrier business. She would not get tricked into it, not get sung into it or any of that. So, anyway, project failed. We have to do a redo next week sometime. We’ll get it down, but I guarantee you there’s gonna be scratches all over my arms and face. ‘Cause the property manager said, “Look, after all this, your cat hates me. You are gonna have to do it.” I tell you. Fine and dandy. I’ll try singing. I’ll try. I’ll sing Alfie. The cat won’t know the difference — Allie, Alfie — and, Noreen, I’ll see if that works.

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