Rush Limbaugh

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RUSH: The latest news involving the National Football League and the chickification of same. Four National Football League linemen — these are the big behemoth guys. These are the guys who qualify for the team by living at their refrigerator. They have to eat five times what a normal person eats to maintain the weight required to play the offensive line, and, in some cases, the defensive line. I know this because I’ve talked to some who’ve had to do it, and I’ve met them after they’ve retired and they’re sticks compared to the way they looked when they played.

At any rate, these are huge behemoth guys, and four of them have signed on to endorse moistened toilet paper for men. This is a product being developed by a small company in Venice, California, and they’re trying to crack a new market here, so to speak, with moistened toilet wipes.

Now, there is a moistened toilet wipe business sector, and 3% of the toilet paper category is moistened. What do you think…? Just in terms of economics, what do you think the toilet paper sector of our economy is, dollar-wise? It is $8.7 billion. The toilet paper business is an $8.7 billion economy. So this small Venice firm is trying to get in on it with an innovation: Moistened toilet wipes for men.

They have a name, One Wipe Charlies. “The players — the Dallas Cowboys’ Travis Frederick, the Minnesota Vikings’ John Sullivan, the Buffalo Bills’ Eric Wood, and the San Diego Chargers’ Nick Hardwick — will be part of a marketing blitz, entitled ‘Clean Snap,’ to kick off in two weeks.” They’re gonna be advertising One Wipe Charlies — moistened toilet paper, if you will — for men.

“It’s the brainchild of Mike Dubin, CEO of Dollar Shave, who told The Post: ‘Most of the centers we approached were game to try this. They are guys not a lot of people are reaching out to,'” but they want their endorsements, too, and they’re signing up, here.”‘We wanted to make something just for men; it’s aspirational: a way to get it done in one,’ Dubin said.”

Do you know what “aspirational” means? Well, low-information crowd may not know, and Rio Linda may not know. Aspirational means just something you really want. Like for many people, an iPhone is an aspirational thing, or a Mercedes is aspirational. It’s something that you aspire to if you become success. This product, One Wipe Charlies, known as Clean Snap, is considered “aspirational” in the toilet paper business.

This is something, it is theorized here, that men will aspire to. They will hope one day they can own One Wipe Charlies.

“A survey conducted by Dollar Shave found that 89% of wipe users were very satisfied with the cleanliness of their [posterior] after using” One Wipe Charlies. Now, the number of people who are satisfied using standard toilet paper is 58%, after one wipe. The big deal here is one wipe. The satisfaction rate is 89% with One Wipe Charlies, as opposed to only 58% with traditional like Charmin or, you know, if you go to a cheap restaurant, you get the two-ply stuff in there.

Mike Dubin, the CEO, said, “I’ve been using wet wipes for years. Its [sic] an enjoyable experience.” Is it the kind of thing that you take a day off from work to do just ’cause you enjoy it? “Honey, I’m not gonna go to work today. I’m gonna use my One Wipe Charlies.” Oh, no, it’s happening out there. I’m bringing the news to you as it lines up here in the Stack of Stuff.

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