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“What would a modern-day Paul Revere shout?”

“A lot of people don’t like the Internet. A lot of people think that nobody has any privacy anymore because of the Internet. But one thing you might be able to say is if Twitter had been around in the 1960s, Mary Jo Kopechne might be alive today. Well, you have to consider the possibility.”

“Carville is predicting potential riots next summer if the unemployment situation doesn’t change, making it clear that these are not good times for Obama.”

“At some point you Democrats are gonna have to make a decision. Do you stick with Obama or do you do a Goolsbee and get out of there? The time’s coming where it’s going to be too late. He’s going to drag you down just as he did so many members of the House in the last election.”

“You Democrats, if you continue to have your careers tied to President Obama, you’re not gonna have a career.”

“You know, with phone sex at least there’s a voice on the other end. Texting is just absurd. You’d never catch Hugh Hefner doing this.”

“The reason this country’s on the ropes is due to the way Anthony Weiner and his fellow liberals vote, not how he texts.”

“Failed liberals in government go back to their overpriced universities to teach liberalism to young skulls full of mush who don’t know squat about the real world. These failed intellectual idiots are running what’s called higher learning. Yes, Snerdley, I mean exactly that. Goolsbee is fleeing his abject failure and is being welcomed with open arms back into the American academy.”

“Two million jobs created and Anthony Weiner didn’t send the pictures. (laughing)”

“I’ve had so many people tell me they think Sarah Palin’s stupid. But the only reason they think that is because of what they’re being told by these pompous asses in the media who hold themselves out as the arbiters of smart and who themselves are brain-dead ignoramuses when it comes to basic facts.”

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