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“I don’t want to be nagged by the First Lady. We’re all gonna get nagged at home, butwe don’t have to get nagged from the White House.”

“The education of our children, why, that’s the most important thing in our country! Why, we cannot waste a single moment! Why, we must not leave a single child behind! We need more education dollars! I’m choking on that because I’ve heard it so damn much, right?”

“Back in the day, the aristocrats would go to lunatic asylums to observe the wackos and be amused by them. Today we simply interview Charlie Sheen.”

“The left can say anddo anything. In fact, the left can abort 60% of black babies, and it’s cool. Let me report it, and all hell breaks loose.”

“Is it reassuring, ladies and gentlemen, to know that our country’s foreign policy is in the hands of people who post comments at the Daily Kos and the Huffington Post? Because that’s essentially what’s happening.”

“Dawn, are you proud of me? Nobody ever says they’re proud of me anymore. It never happens. They just expect excellence.”

“Sheila Jackson Lee, apparently, is the congressional boss from hell. I’ve always thought this woman was, you know, an order of fries short of a Happy Meal, but it’s worse than that.”

“What would Reagan do in this current situation with Khadafy? He’d probably call him up and say, ‘You harm one American, and the rest of your family better flee because we’re coming.'”

“See, in the private sector, the purpose of a business is not to give you health care or a retirement or sick days or trips to the vet. But to the public sector, that’s exactly what jobs are seen as for. It makes me sick! Can you tell I’m in a kind of a ticked-off mood today?”

“One of the first things I did after signing on with the Royals was get to know the concession people. I had a secret mission: to walk out of there with some coconut oil.”

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