“This is not going to amuse Sheryl Crow: ‘A bride getting married in toilet paper — two ply, extra soft toilet paper — plans to get hitched on Wednesday in a public restroom.’ That’s bad news for the guy, because we all know you’re never supposed to squeeze the Charmin.”
“What did you say, Snerdley? ‘Are they faking it?’ A typical question from a typical sexist and misogynist, Mr. Snerdley: ‘Are the female monkeys faking it’.”
“Dan Abrams’ middle name is ‘Notice Me’. But, Dan, you have to be careful: when you want me to notice you, I’m going to notice you, and when you’re an idiot, I’m going to mention it — and you’re an idiot.”
“Headline: ‘Warming Could Wipe Out Scotch.’ To hell with Greenland melting, but, boy, if something happens to scotch… In this case it would be the Kennedys hardest hit.”
“You wouldn’t believe the call that Snerdley actually wants me to address: somebody wants my thoughts on Britney Spears’ 16-year-old sister getting pregnant. Snerdley, why don’t you put a couple of Paris Hilton calls up there?”
“You know what I want to hear, Maimone? I want to hear Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire by Jrgen Jrgensen before the program is over.”
“New York Times today: ‘Did the Clinton team in Iowa wait too long to try to humanize Hillary?’ To ‘try’? Meaning, it requires an effort?”
“You have to know — as I do — how to parse the words of Bill and Hillary Clinton and their advisors. Bruce Lindsey: ‘Bill Clinton has not blockaded the release of a single document.’ That’s true. He’s blocked the release of 2,600 documents.”
“I got here in New York on Sunday, and it was like a mother-in-law convention: it was icy and it was cold to boot.”
