“I get choked this time of year when I think of the blessings bestowed upon me and my family, and it’s all because of all of you.”
“I say it every year: I have people thanking me all day long for doing this show, but you have no idea what you have meant to me.”
“Have you heard about the Navy SEALs who have been charged with roughing up a detainee? Political correctness is literally destroying this country. What we’re telling the world is we don’t value ourselves enough to even protect our own.”
“You people who call yourselves scientists, if you don’t conduct your own investigation and hold public hearings on this whole global warming hoax, then you have given up your profession. This scandal is important on so many levels.”
“For most of my life, my father thought he had failed because I didn’t go to college. And I quit ballroom dance. And he certainly didn’t understand the value of me playing Knights in White Satin by the Moody Blues every 54 minutes, as I had to do in Pittsburgh.”
“Mr. Begley Jr., there’s a reason I ran over you twice when I was on Jay Leno’s show in that electric car: You’re an idiot.”
“Story: ‘Sarah Obama, US President Barack Obama’s 87-year-old Kenyan grandmother, has arrived in Mecca to perform the Muslim pilgrimage of hajj, the Saudi daily Okaz reported Wednesday.’ So it looks like Obama’s bow to the Saudi king has paid off.”
“One thing that I want to pound home here today is that liberalism, Marxism, socialism — whatever it is — kills.”
“You just angered the cold gods. You just said you never get a cold. The cold gods don’t like that. It’s sort of like when you’re out playing golf and you hit a great shot and say, ‘I got this game figured out!’ The golf gods then nail you on your next swing.”
“I hope they Mirandized this Ahmed Hashim Abed guy before they punched him.”
“The painter and poet Dante Gabriel Rossetti said, ‘The worst moment for the atheist is when he’s really thankful and has no one to thank.'”
“I saw a picture of the woman who claims she was fired because she’s too hot. Well, I mean, to each his own. You know, there are people who think that the guy in the bowling alley in the two-tone green leisure suit looks good.”
“You know, just to show you how screwed up I’ve been… over the last 12 hours, I’ve been thinking about Janet Reno. Yeah. I know.”
“How did the Native Americans prosper in this country without OSHA making sure the work environment was safe?”
“I might have been a little unkind to Congressman Charlie Rangel in reporting on his heartwarming Thanksgiving story earlier.I want to give him credit: at least he gave the turkeys out instead of keeping them for himself.”
“People have been going to bus stations for pat-downs — same sex or otherwise — since there have been buses.”
“The true story of Thanksgiving is that socialism failed. Only when we turned capitalist did we have plenty, and the Indians didn’t teach us capitalism.”
“Apparently the audience is fleeing the program in droves today, so before all of you are gone for one reason or another, let’s talk about golf and then football.”
“I got an e-mail. ‘Dear Rush: It occurred to me this Monday when you came back that you did not thank Mark Steyn for hosting for you. As a matter of fact, I can’t ever remember you ever thanking anybody who subs for you. You’re a better person than that.'”
“William Shatner once asked me, ‘How do you know?’ I said, ‘Because I do. It’s my job to know.'”