“There’s this story here about a man in Alaska who was mauled by a grizzly bear last month and married his longtime girlfriend. He said, ‘This mauling has made me see my family in a different light — I’m going to go ahead and get married.’ What a weakling. What an absolute weakling.”
“I love stereotypical humor. Like, I had a Barbie doll once; you’d pull the string on her back and she’d say, ‘Math class is tough.'”
“Regardless whether you think it was a mistake to go to Iraq or not, the reality is that they are there — the terrorists. And we cannot lose to them. We just can’t. We’re the United States of America.It would be the biggest mistake in the world to lose.”
“Wait, wait, wait. Hold it, Steve. I’m like a woman when you get into numbers — I don’t follow them too easily.”
“‘A Kentucky man who was playing slot machines at the Caesars Indiana casino claims he sat on a chair soaked with urine.’ I did not know that Pat Leahy played the slots. Must not have had the Depends there.”
“Do you know how impatient and tired I’m getting of dealing with people on our side who are afraid of Hillary? I can’t stand it! The time to fear Hillary is after she wins. Right now it’s just time to prevent that.”
“One more thing about fear: I don’t mind people being afraid of me — I like that. I don’t mind people fearing our country on the battlefield — that’s good.”
“I am stunned, John, that you would take the occasion of appearing on this program to tell such a rank and filthy joke. I instituted the 40-second delay today to protect the audience from me, and it turns out I had to protect the audience from you.”
“I don’t get to listen to myself much. I mean, do you realize that you all listen to the number-one radio program in America? I never get to because I’m hosting it.”
