“Brian, pick up the phone and call Roy Spencer. We’re not used to having guests here, so it takes a while for it to register that we can reach out to people. Now, you know not to call the fax number, right? I just love teasing Brian.”
“Ever since I said yesterday that we got our first shipments of my Nobel Peace Prize mugs in, people have been saying, ‘Where’s mine? Where’s mine?’ Well, I get mine first! You have to understand: I’m the grand pooh bah.”
“We had Zawahiri over the weekend saying, ‘Hey, you know that bill the Democrats lost? That proves that Washington is defeated.’ I wonder how the Democrats feel that the #2 guy next to Uncle Benny is on their side, praising their efforts.”
“How many billions and billions of years has the planet been around? And all of a sudden things are happening that have never happened before? ‘Oh, my God, and we’re the ones responsible! Oh, my God, we gotta do something! We need one square of toilet paper per bathroom visit!'”
“I offered myself as an exclusive interview subject for the CBS Evening News yesterday, and Bob Andersen called and he said, ‘We’ll be happy to have Katie interview you for ’60 Minutes’ and then run excerpts of that interview on the Evening News.’ Nice try, Bob.”
“I have an Abyssinian cat. Do you think my cat knows it’s an Abyssinian cat? In fact, do you think my cat even knows it’s a cat? I guarantee you my cat thinks it’s a person.”
“Yesterday I mentioned my friend’s new product — ‘Dr. Tillitsuits’ — and I was afraid of this; you’ve caused the product to be back-ordered now at Williams-Sonoma! Well, it’s a great little product that enhances every one of your recipes — and makes great Bloody Marys to boot!”
“Did you just hear Jane Fonda say, ‘premature evacuation’? Presidents are afraid of getting out of wars because of ‘premature evacuation’? There you have it: ‘premature evacuation.’ The women of the left.”
“I’m starting to agree with those of you that have called me and said we have way too many idiots in this country. You can spot them easily by how many of them just suck up all the BS from the left.”
