“On the golf course yesterday there was this bird just harassing this turtle like you wouldn’t believe. My caddy said, ‘The bird’s just waiting to get the turtle’s eggs.’ And I said, ‘Well, this isn’t going to happen when I’m out here.’ So I went over and picked up this turtle and took it back to the creek.”
“If it weren’t for France, we would not have won the Revolutionary War –and ever since then they’ve been on a downward spin. That’s a long time ago, folks! I mean, the French were reliable then!”
“Folks, I don’t believe in boycotts. I never have believed in boycotts. I think it’s cheap, it’s largely theatrical, and as the Turtles said in 1965, ‘It ain’t me, babe.'”
“On my first day in Sacramento, I wore a sweater with no shirt underneath it. The program director called me: ‘Unacceptable attire, sir. We wear natural fibers at KFBK.'”
“I’m not going to go sit in the corner and start crying, ‘Waaa! Why won’t they leave me alone? Waaa!’ Bring it on, guys. You’ve already tried everything you can think of to take me out, and we’re bigger and better than ever.”
“Is this supposed to be an impressive crowd size for Obama– 1,500 people? If I said I was going somewhere and only 1,500 people showed, we’d cancel it. Yes, we would, Dawn.”
“You have to hear these two sound bites — they’re from The Oprah. And I want you to know what a professional and career risk I am taking by playing these bites. The Oprah is not to be criticized.”
“I’m sure these three US soldiers — if they are, in fact, being held by Al-Qaeda types — are getting the kind of treatment that is as every bit as wonderful as that at Club Gitmo. New Bibles, three square meals a day, toilets that face the right direction, access to the Rosie O’Donnell show — whatever it is they want!”
“I will be out tomorrow — back on Wednesday — and I will miss you. I want you to know: as badly as you will miss me, I’ll miss you almost as much, too.”
