“Poll: 88% of Republicans prefer ‘Merry Christmas’ while only 57% of Democrats do. This is a national holiday, for crying out loud! I mean, does everything have to be political with these people? Yes, it does.”
“I actually think Tom Brokaw blew it when he titled his new book on the sixties and the Baby Boomers; he should have called it ‘The Lamest Generation.'”
“There’s something else about Tom Brokaw and all these other guys in the Drive-By Media… they’re just as jealous as they can be of me and a lot of other people. I, ladies and gentlemen, could buy Montana. Brokaw can only afford one ranch there.”
“Mary Matalin, I hate to correct you, but Hillary is not the ‘Energizer Bunny’; it’s Bill Clinton who took the licking and kept on ticking.”
“I’m going to admit here, without any shame, that I do not understand quantum theory. I tried to read Stephen Hawking’s book. Well, I did read Stephen Hawking’s book, but at some point I got lost.”
“It should be me in the Oval Office today with all the other Nobel Prize winners, but it wasn’t to be. But they cannot take my nomination away from me — that they can never do.”
“Be patient, Snerdley! Everything’s under control here! It always is! It’s our twentieth year here, and people still lack confidence that I know what I’m doing. You know, it’s a good thing I have thick skin.”
“All of these anti-war movies are failing big time. The Times and other Drive-By newspapers are also failing. Katie Couric is getting her butt handed to her every night. And we’re supposed to sit here and believe that the Democrats are a sure win in 2008?”
“We can’t see dark matter, but we know it’s there. Sort of like how Bill knows Hillary’s there even when she’s not.”