“At risk is a distinct and unique American culture. Immigrants used to want to become Americans. They didn’t want to become hyphenated-Americans. They didn’t come hereto Balkanize it. They came to be assimilated into society. There’s no discussion of that now.”
“Smooth Operator: that’s me. Actually, this is Sade singing. But she won’t be singing.”
“I saw a piece on Hillary Clinton’s website this week asking visitors to her site to choose her campaign song, and I thought: ‘Baby Got Back,’ by Sir Mix-A-Lot.”
“Who else can we confer illegal status on? How about bank robbers? Who else are we going to find breaking our laws that we feel so guilty about, that we confer legal status on them? Al-Qaeda?”
“Why do we have so many people in the welfare state now? Because it’s easier. Conservatism is hard. Self-reliance is a tough thing. If you become legal and then have access to all these benefits, why in the world take up the notion of hard work?”
“It’s time to be blunt here. The current crop of Republican leaders has not only lost the Congress, the current crop of Republican leaders is on its way to destroying the base.”
“What are you guys eating in there? It looks like cigars. You guys are taunting me by eating some of those candy cigars. Ha, ha, ha!”
“In Wyoming, some family found a condom in a glass of iced tea during a Mother’s Day dinner. Did we not call this? We had a parody bit on this: ‘Safety Brew. The only beer with a condom in the bottle.’ Where do you think they got the idea to do this? From us.”
“Quick! Somebody find out what Tariq Aziz is doing so I look informed!”
