Rush Limbaugh

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“Every successful marriage is a two-bathroom marriage — two bathrooms, minimum.”

“I was going to call in to the show on Friday and do some minor gloating and take a little credit for the immigration bill being pulled, but right about that time I hit my third birdie on the front nine and so I said, ‘To hell with it — I’m going to keep playing golf.'”

“Do you remember how they taught you to be honest when you were in sixth grade? George Washington and the cherry tree. But I guess that won’t work anymore; you have to have gin in the sixth grade.”

“Somebody sent me a note: ‘Rush, you need to synthesize for people the definition of and difference between liberals and conservatives.’ All right. Liberals want to run your life. Conservatives have no interesting in running yours.”

“Some kid did the testing, and sure enough the toilet water was far cleaner than the fountain water in his school. Now, the kid is getting a lot of credit for this — as he should — but dogs have known this forever.”

“We played musical chairs once on my TV show, and Snerdley was the odd man out. He called me a bloated bigot as he stormed off the set.”

“Paris Hilton phoned into ABC from the psych ward and says she’s no longer going to ‘act dumb. That’s fabulous. That’s wonderful news. I just don’t know how we’re going to tell the difference.”

“It was only mere moments ago I told you that Paris Hilton said she’s not going to ‘act dumb’ anymore. Now, a mere 30 minutes later, I see a graphic on the TV claiming that Paris Hilton says she feels like she’s ‘in a cage.’ Well, she is in a cage. It’s called jail.”

“I’ve always thought it’s a bogus argument anyway — whether capital punishment deters crime or not is not the point. Capital punishment is a form of punishment. If it does deter crime, then it’s icing on the cake.”

“I don’t do yard work because that was how I was punished as a kid. One of my objectives in life was to never, ever have to mow a yard.”


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