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“There’s so much gloom news, I have a Gloom Stack! You may as well forget going anywhere on Thanksgiving. You won’t get there alive.”

“Story: ‘Six cheerleaders are fighting suspensions after they flashed football fans a message on their underpants.’ Bloomers! We’re not talking about thongs, here. We’re talking about bloomers — the thing that your grandma used to wear.”

“Let’s say you’re walking along in Colorado, and you see a toad — what in the world would be your impulse to pick it up and lick it? And don’t give me this ‘happy accident’ business.”

“I’m convinced, folks, that Mrs. Clinton’s support — outside of a minority of Democrat power brokers — is actually fairly thin. I think there’s more fear of the whole Clinton machine inside the Democrat Party than there is genuine affection for her.”

“I served an Italian Cabernet last night called Sassicaia, and you talk to anybody who knows wine — their tongue is on the floor right now.”

“Mrs. Clinton has a big problem, folks: She is a bad candidate. And she’s a bad candidate because she’s not likable. She has a terrible delivery.”

“Okay, so Native Americans gave us frog licking, Native Americans gave us religious ceremonies with peyote, and Native Americans gave us tobacco. And look how we’ve repaid them, folks.”

“Hillary can have CNN in the tank for her, and she can have some of the other Drive-Bys in the tank for her, but that’s not enough to get it done. In other words, the sunshine shining on the Clinton campaign has never been as bright as it is now.”

“‘Baghdad Starts to Exhale as Security Improves.’ My friends, I can’t tell you how much that front page, New York Times headline infuriates Hillary Clinton, Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi.”

“A question: Does my voice sound tired today? No? My North Carolina mistress ismonkeying with my mind.”

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