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“It’s as predictable as Ted Kennedy finding a bar at happy hour, that the Drive-By Media would turn on a Republican candidate.”

“I want to keep enough liberals around so we never, ever, forget who they are, but I want them to have zero power. Well, they screw up things.”

“You know damn well a story like this wouldn’t run about Hillary or Obama, or even Bill Clinton. And if it ran about Bill, it would be fawning: ‘Oh, there’s old randy Bill out there, still showing us he has some lead in the pencil after the heart surgery!'”

“Thirty-eight Duke lacrosse players are going to file suit against Duke University. Go for it! Get everything this school has got! I am not kidding; get as much out of this university as you can possibly get, you guys.”

“Bill Press is a guy who could make Michael Kinsley look like a real man.”

“George Clooney makes Bill Press look like Einstein.”

“Looks to me like the Democrats are finally coming to the realization that we came to 20 years ago, and that is that Mrs. Clinton’s as empty and as vapid as Barack Obama is — just less likable.”

“MSNBC better be careful; if they’re going to run that much of my Dittocam, some of the anchors there might lose their jobs. Well, who will want to watch them after so much of me on the Dittocam?”

“I wish I didn’t have to shave. I’m thinking about getting electrolysis of the face so I won’t have to waste time shaving. And I know these complaints are nothing compared to those of you in the subprime crisis, but I just wanted to show you that I can relate.”

“I think I’m getting this flu that everybody down here has had for a week or two. If it isn’t, and it’s just fatigue and watery eyes and a fever, then I’ll be back tomorrow.”

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