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“If you think people ran away from the GOP in ’06, think what will happen in ’08 if this amnesty bill gets rammed down everybody’s throats.”

“What’s the solution to the immigration problem? Enforce what’s on the books now! Of course, that answer will be greeted with a, ‘Oh yeah, easy for you to say.’ It’s sort of like telling homeless people to go out and get a job.”

“Mr. Snerdley, our regular call screener, is out today; he had to get the car washed. And so my trusty and loyal chief of staff, H.R., is doing the screening today. I just want to warn you: he’s much less patient with people than is Mr. Snerdley — and Mr. Snerdley doesn’t exhibit a whole lot of patience.”

“I noticed that the ratings for the CBS Evening News with Katie Couric have now plummeted to an all-time low. So I will renew my offer to sit for a live interview with Ms. Couric to jump-start the ratings. I am ratings.”

“According to the latest book scan, Reagan’s diaries outsold Algore’s book by five copies, which means that the Algore people will no doubt be demanding a recount on this.”

“Why not amnesty for Barry Bonds? Look at what he’s done for the game; why impose all of these penalties? Barry Bonds, ladies and gentlemen, is being forced to live in the shadows of Major League Baseball because of the taint of allegations.”

“As we introduce our discussion of illegal immigration and the Senate Bill To Destroy the Republican Party, we shall all stand for the Star Spanglish Banner by Jos and the Illegals — or Jos y Los Illegales.”

“Conservatism is difficult because it takes thought, application, time, and energy to understand it. It’s not harder because it doesn’t make as much sense as liberalism, it’s the exact opposite: conservatism is an intellectual pursuit.”

“You know those two whales that were stuck out there in the Sacramento River? Apparently the whales slipped out of there last night and made their way back to the ocean. Nature works once again, despite our best efforts to control it. They didn’t even stop to give us a couple of flippers good-bye.”

“Ben Affleck is a glittering jewel of colossal ignorance.”

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