RUSH: This is Delbert in Austin, Texas. Delbert, thanks for the call. It’s great to have you with us.
CALLER: Thanks, Rush. It’s good talking to you.
RUSH: You bet, sir.
CALLER: I have a way how to explain to people how to use one sheet of toilet paper.
RUSH: Delbert, are you serious about this, or is this a joke?
CALLER: No, I’m serious about it, and I’ve been taught this, how to save toilet paper, all my life — and I will do this just as tastefully as possible.
RUSH: All right. Well, Delbert, Mr. Snerdley told me that we’ve been getting calls from people. He said we’ve been inundated. He told me during the break that we’ve been inundated by people saying it could be done. ‘No, no, no! Rush shouldn’t laugh about this. It can be done.’ So I went in and I got a new roll of toilet paper from the bathroom and I was going to do a demo here for people on the Dittocam. So let me grab the toilet paper. Just pick off one sheet of it here, right?
CALLER: That’s correct.
RUSH: Let me told it up. One sheet. For those of you watching on the Dittocam, there it is. Now what do I do?
CALLER: Okay, take that sheet and fold it in half.
RUSH: Okay, it’s a perfect square so it doesn’t matter which half I fold. Hang on. I gotta get this perfect because there’s not much to work with here.
CALLER: Okay.
RUSH: It’s folded in half. Done.
CALLER: Okay.
RUSH: There’s a little straggler here. Let me rip this off. Okay. Now, what’s next?
CALLER: Okay, you’ve got a rectangle. Now you fold that rectangle in half and you’ve got a small square.
RUSH: Oh, fold the rectangle in half not into the size of a rectangle but a square?
CALLER: Right.
RUSH: All right. Uhhhh. I’ve done that. Looks like it’s about an inch and a half square out there, Delbert.
CALLER: That’s correct.
CALLER: Okay, now you take the corner that was created by folding the two halves and you tear off that corner.
RUSH: Well, there’s four corners.
CALLER: Okay, the corner that was created that’s actually four.
RUSH: All right, the folded corner.
CALLER: The folded corner. That’s correct.
RUSH: Okay, which one, the one on the right or the left?
CALLER: It’s going to be the folded corner.
RUSH: There’s two folded corners. I gotta get this right.
CALLER: Okay.
RUSH: There’s one corner here and there’s one corner there. I’m looking at this. The left corner is the left corner. If I flip it around then the right corner becomes the left corner.
CALLER: Okay, I want you to tear off the corner to where it would actually be a hole in the center of the toilet paper when you open it back up.
RUSH: Delbert, this is a joke!
CALLER: No!
RUSH: You’re going to make me put a hole in this?
CALLER: Yes. Well, when you tear the corner you’re going to be creating a hole. Okay?
RUSH: Uhhhh, this doesn’t look like it’s going to work. I’ll try it. You have to bear with me a second because this is tricky. (folding) Okay, I’ve done that, Delbert.
CALLER: Okay. Now, you open the thing back up and you’ve got a hole right in the center of the toilet paper.
RUSH: Let’s see, now. Well, by golly! No, I’ve got two half circles on the edge. Here, let me grab another sheet. I have a whole roll here. That’s one down. Okay. Let me fold it in half.
CALLER: Yes.
RUSH: Fold it in half, and then fold it again. I don’t see where the hell to rip a corner here that’s going to make a hole!
CALLER: Okay, the corner that would be the thickest corner, where you’ve got all four.
RUSH: That’s what I’m saying. I’ve got two folds. Oh, the thickest. Let me try. Did I rip the wrong?
CALLER: I think you ripped the wrong corner the first time.
RUSH: Let’s see here. See where… A-ha-ha-ha! There we go, Delbert. Well, that looks just big enough for my finger. That’s why I ask, ‘Is this a joke?’
CALLER: No, that’s exactly what we want. You open the thing back up.
RUSH: All right, it’s open.
CALLER: Now you stick your finger through that hole that’s created.
RUSH: Delbert…
CALLER: Do you see where I’m going? Now, you didn’t throw away that little corner piece, did you, because you need to save that little corner piece.
RUSH: It’s right here. (sigh) Do you want me to unfold it?
CALLER: No, keep the little corner piece. You keep it folded up.
RUSH: All right.
CALLER: Okay, now you’ve got your finger sticking through that toilet paper —
RUSH: Delbert, which finger?
CALLER: Well, I would probably think the middle finger.
RUSH: (groans) I think I’ve been set up here. This is a joke, right? You’ve been lying to me the whole call?
CALLER: Well, it’s a practical way of doing it.
RUSH: What you’re going to tell me is that the toilet paper will never even be damaged, right?
CALLER: That’s correct. Well, it will at the very end. So you —
RUSH: Okay, well, I may as well. All right.
CALLER: Okay, so now you see where I’m going. You’ve got your middle finger stuck through the toilet paper.
RUSH: Yeah, but I’m not going to hold it up so people can see that, because they’ll get the wrong idea.
CALLER: Okay.
RUSH: The Media Matters people see that, and it will be all over.
CALLER: Okay, so then you use —
RUSH: I got my finger through there. You can see this on the Dittocam right there. Okay.
CALLER: Now, let’s see. You would use your finger as if it was toilet paper, and you use the toilet paper that’s around your finger to clean your finger off.
RUSH: Well, why don’t I just put that back on the fingertip, Delbert, before I do this?
CALLER: No, no, because we’re saving that other piece. You remember that other little piece of corner that you saved?
RUSH: Yeah.
CALLER: Okay, you’re going to use that to clean that from under beneath your fingernail after you finished.
RUSH: Okay, I see. So this is how it’s done.
CALLER: That’s how you would do it with one piece of toilet paper. I’m not for that at all, but that’s the only way I could see.
RUSH: Wait a minute. You said you’ve been doing this for years, you said.
CALLER: No, no. I said that that’s how that would be a practical way of doing it.
RUSH: Oh, so it is a joke. You set me up —
CALLER: (Laughing.)
RUSH: — and you’re lying throughout the whole phone call. I thought you were genuinely trying to help out here.
CALLER: Well, I am!
RUSH: (Laughing.)
CALLER: (Laughing.) So that’s how it’s done.
RUSH: All right, Delbert. I want to thank you so much for contributing to the refined and dignified nature of the program today.
CALLER: Well, I tried.
RUSH: Snerdley, you are a party to this, because you knew this was a joke, and you knew I was going to bring in toilet paper to do a demo, and you knew that if you could get a call like this, that I would go through this thinking I had a wacko who was serious, and Delbert’s not a wacko. He is trying to show that these people are wackos! I have been totally set up, Delbert, by you and my own call screener —
CALLER: (Laughing.)
RUSH: — and it’s now on videotape what a fool I made of myself, here.
CALLER: (Laughing.) All right. Well, thanks, Rush. It’s a pleasure talking to you.
RUSH: (Laughing.) I’m sure it made your day.
BREAK TRANSCRIPT
RUSH: Barry in Hazel Green, Alabama. Nice to have you, Barry. Welcome to the EIB Network.
CALLER: Hello there, Rush. Good to hear from you.
RUSH: Thank you, sir.
CALLER: Yeah, the earlier call about the toilet paper square, is in fact and to the best of my knowledge true. My dad was in World War II, and he told me when I was about eight years old that in the foxholes at the front line, they had no other choice, and they didn’t issue them a roll of toilet paper. They issued them a package of squares like that.
RUSH: Yeah, I’m getting all kinds of notes from people who say in the military it is taught. It’s legitimate. Look, I don’t want to take this any further. I already got tricked once. Snerdley is going to get docked a thousand dollars on his next bonus. I’ve never heard of this. Call me naïve. This is something about which I’ll be happy to be naïve, but I only got one question after going through this demonstration. Why do you need the toilet paper, if you’re going to use that technique? Pure and simple. This is absurd. But I do want to make this pledge and I want to make it now publicly so that all can hear me — and I make this pledge, this offer, if you will, to Laurie David and Sheryl Crow — I will promise to underwrite the rest of your global warming bus tour, so long as at every appearance, every television show, every concert, every public appearance, you continue to advocate the single square of toilet paper solution to global warming. If you will do that, I’ll make sure you are heard by more people than your bus tour will even take you to, and I will underwrite it to make that happen. I think you need to be heard on this. More and more Americans need to hear your solutions to global warming, including the single square toilet paper issue.