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“I long for the day (it won’t happen, but I fantasize about it) when a budget — like $2.9 trillion — is presented to the president and he looks at it and says, ‘What the hell? Scratch that, scratch that, scratch that!'”
“I think we have a new ‘ism,’ actually. Forget fascism, socialism, and communism — we ought to come up with a new one, like ‘Hillarism.'”
“I went out and found a New York Times editorial from February 26th, 1916. The editorial blasted the Democrats in Congress for taking the side of the enemy. The more things change, the more they stay the same.”
“‘Yep, global warming is happening — even the groundhog knows it.’ Not making this up! This is how these liberals do it! And then little ten-year-olds get scared and run through the house turning off all the light bulbs because they think power plants are melting the ice.”
“I got a lot of e-mails from people regarding Katie Couric’s turn at the Super Bowl pre-game show. You know, folks — I really shouldn’t say this. But she looked like she was wearing a mop. I thought maybe the humidity down there was just out of control; it was more than frizzy.”
“This is an actual news story: ‘The world’s poor, the least responsible for global warming, will suffer the most from climate change.’ I love the old Sam Kinison line: ‘If you live in a desert, MOVE! Crops don’t grow in a desert!'”
“So Brian, the broadcast engineer here, went to the game yesterday and sat in my suite. He said when Tom Cruise came back from the men’s room, the paparazzi was out there somehow snapping pictures. Brian, do you know what urinal he used? Did you try to steal it?”
“Roy Black, my attorney, said, ‘I really love these new water heater advertisers of yours. We came up with a new commercial: They will get you in the hot water and I will get you out of it.’ Ha, ha, ha! No more of that for me!”
“I don’t talk to ten-year-olds, and when I do I’m still tempted to say ‘goo-goo’ and ‘ga-ga.’ I am woefully inept in trying to figure out how to reach a ten-year-old. Well, you know, they run away in tears — my voice is loud. And I’m tempted to spank them if they get too loud.”
“Tony Dungy just sent the Colts out with one phrase: ‘Win it for Barbaro.’ Apparently, it worked.”

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