“I, El Rushbo — and I say this happily — have hijacked Obama’s honeymoon.”
“What we just heard at the White House today was smoke and mirrors, and, of course, the Drive-By Media fell for it hook, line, and sinker. I didn’t, which is why I remain enemy number one. Pioneers take the arrows, folks.”
“I just said to Snerdley, ‘Don’t you get it yet? The media doesn’t care what’s in this bill. It’s His, with a capital ‘H.’ It’s Obama’s. And so all that matters is that it passes.'”
“This stimulus bill has $335 million to prevent sexually transmitted diseases. Let’s get out the Barry White music and the Love Unlimited Orchestra.”
“My friends, I do have an apology to make to you. Were it not for me, MSNBC would have no audience. I single-handedly have bailed out that network for the fourth day in a row.”
“Try this headline: ‘Obama Worries US Debt May Shape His Legacy.’ Now, excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, but isn’t it a little early to be worried about your legacy?”
“Damn well I intended to say it! I’ll say it again now: ‘I hope he fails.’ Because, my friends, America wins if liberalism fails, and that’s the bottom line.”
“Barry White was an inspiration for fat guys everywhere. I mean, here he is decked out at 350 pounds in his all-white suit, drinking white wine with a slinky model.”
“Obama knows this stimulus won’t work. The Democrats know it won’t work, too, and yet they want to do it. So why do they want to do it? Well, it must accomplish something, and it does, folks: It buys votes.”
“Barack Obama’s demeanor belies the fact that he is who he is. You would never think he’s an extremist unless you took seriously who his mentors were.”
“By the way, folks, yes: I do want Obama’s teleprompter to fail, too. It’s part and parcel of the whole deal.”
“Soon these people will be called up to testify before Chairman Frank’s committee, and they will face other questions like: ‘Have you attended pro-capitalist meetings during the course of your tenure at AIG? How many of your friends are free market capitalists, and what are their names? And where can we find them?'”
“You know, the leaders of conventional wisdom in Washington — the wizards of smart, the elitists, the Ivy Leaguers — be they in government or media, are brain-dead idiots.”
“So Obama’s getting ready to leave for California to appear on Jay Leno. This is historic: a sitting president has never before lowered himself to sit on a late night comedy show. Well, that’s the way to look at this.”
“Teleprompter, have you ever thought about helping Secretary Geithner, or do you work for just one person? Teleprompter, how are you and the first lady getting along? Are you dating anybody, Teleprompter? Mac or PC?”
“You could put what I care about Tim Geithner in a thimble. All you need to know is the guy’s incompetent, and the guy’s a tax cheat.”
“Do you realize it is the chaotic emotions of liberals that forces all of us to come up with policies and behaviors that don’t irritate them so that we can live in peace? That’s how we got political correctness.”
“Barack Obama, I think, is in over his head in an executive sense. Details are tough, and he doesn’t like the criticism. Central planners do not accept criticism well.”
“So Jay Leno said he loves Detroit and he’s going there to do a show for the unemployed. In fact, you don’t even have to be unemployed, you just have to be having hard times. Jay, that’s really great; I’m sure doing a comedy show is going to help people put food on the table. What a great guy: Jay Leno. Accomplishment: zero.”
“All these Democrats are passing the buck, and we have Barney Frank and Chris Dodd now saying they want to run AIG. This is bad, folks.”
“President Obama is about chaos and misery. He is about people being unsatisfied and frightened of the future, so that they’ll turn to him — the government — for the solution.”
“If you’re going to do a practical joke, don’t do it on April 1st. Every professional practical joker (such as myself) knows that if you really want to pull something off, you don’t do it on a day where people are going to immediately doubt it. That’s absolutely silly.”
“How does somebody end up as the grand pooh-bah, if you will, of an anti-circumcision organization? ‘Hey, little Johnny, what do you want to be when you grow up?’ ‘Dad, I want to stamp out circumcision!'”
“Headline: ‘Clinton Offers Olive Branch to Taliban’. Second headline: ‘Taliban Leader Vows to Attack DC Soon’. Do these headlines go together? I ask you, ladies and gentlemen.”
“I just heard that among the 500-plus staff members Obama took to the G20 are 12 teleprompters. Ha! They must need a lot of decoys! Either that or some teleprompters are protesting what they’re being forced to have the president say — I don’t know.”
“Please, ladies and gentlemen, do not ever seek validation for your own views or define success by whether or not we are discussed accurately in the Drive-By Media.”
“Oh, I love these kinds of calls. Do you know how exciting it is for a guy to have a woman tell him that she dreamed about him? I can’t wait to hear this!”
“I love Americans. I love human beings. I want the best for them. I want what’s happened to me to be experienced by every damn person out there, and the people standing in the way are my enemy, and that would have to be the liberals in the Democrat Party.”
“Obama blamed our lack of proper regulation for leading the world into this financial crisis. You know, he should have written an official apology for the United States rebelling against Great Britain in the 1700s and handed the Queen that. Well, if we are going to apologize, let’s go all the way.”
“Let me ask you a simple question: If a fetus is not a human life, why would a caller abortion offend anybody?”
“Time to man up, Barack. It’s unseemly to keep blaming your predecessors. I mean, why stop at Bush? Why not go back and blame Hoover?”
“Do you people realize how absolutely breathtakingly depressing it is when an American citizen goes to a McDonald’s, orders Chicken McNuggets, and then, when told they’re out of Chicken McNuggets, calls 911 thinking they’re calling the government? Do you realize how pitiful that is?”
“Killing a fly with a shoe is a much bigger insult in the fly world than killing one with your hand.”
“We always hear about these foods that you can eat that will forestall cancer, supposedly. Well, let me ask you a question. Everybody who has eaten carrots in this world is dead, or will be. Is that not true?”
“That’s how liberalism promises happiness: by making everybody else miserable. It breaks my heart.”
“Jeremy, I don’t know what you earn, and I don’t know where you work. All I know is this, because it’s true for everybody: You are capable of being far more than you are right now. We all are. We all have more in us than we know.”
“You know, we used to have a watchdog media. That’s what they were called: ‘the watchdog media’. Well, today it’s the lap dog media.”
“What should be done on Wednesday night to counter program ABC’s health care special? I have an idea for my buddies at Fox: run a movie — The Manchurian Candidate.”
“Obama and Rahm Emanuel and David Axelrod… these people running the show in the White House love this kind of chaos. The more unemployment, the more anger, the greater opportunity they have to go before the cameras every day and say, ‘We have a new crisis, and only government can fix it.'”
“By the way, Klaus Nomi looks exactly like you would think he would look.”
“The mainstream, State-Run Media have met their Waterloo — and it is Barack Obama.”
“It is a great question to ask: What has Obama done for you? What have the liberal Democrats done for you? They’ve been running the show since 2007 on Capitol Hill. So what have they done for you?”
“We have a deficit we can’t pay off, we have unemployment about to go double-digit, and Obama wants to destroy the health insurance policies a huge majority of Americans have and like. He isn’t rescuing anything; he’s
“Obama doesn’t debate. He clears the field. He gets rid of opponents. He does not debate issues. He has his ideas, and they are right, and they are going to happen come hell or high water, and we don’t even have the right to disagree.”
“Can you imagine, folks, if they’d have done health care first instead of Porkulus? They would have gotten it. I’ll bet Rahm Emanuel is kicking himself and the furniture and sending dead fish to himself because he’s all upset about his strategic blunder.”
“See, Obama doesn’t care if he destroys private insurance companies. He doesn’t care if he destroys the automobile industry or millions of jobs, either. But, boy, let’s start talking about his presidency being destroyed, and now we got some anger!”
“The Democrats are dragging out people who had or have cancer to support their health care bill. Okay; how about we present those who have illnesses that won’t get the procedures they need because Obama and the Democrats are going to be denying them?”
“I do the show with half my brain tied behind my back just to make it fair. You know, I actually wish I could give some of my excess talent away, but it’s just not possible.”
“Elective abortions will be covered in Obama’s plan, so the way to explain this to people is that President Obama — of the compassionate Democrat Party — wants to provide cover for those who kill us before we are born. It’s called efficiency.”
“Obama’s ‘career’ is five minutes old. He had maybe 150 days in the Senate! He’s never done anything! So obviously it’s time for a third memoir.”